FATS FAST FACTS ABOUT TOLKIEN

It is written:

Tolkien is a Mystery. Morambar knows Him, but who knows Morambar. Tollman has analysed His psyche, but who knows what that is worth. Great Cthulhu is His cousin, but even he cannot see His thoughts. Great Manwe sits on his throne in Taniquentil, whence his gaze pierces through the mists and darkness of the earth, but who can see into the mind of Tolkien; He who once walked alone in the Void, and spoke to the nameless creatures who dwell in the realms of Dreams and Shadows…

 

What is TOLKIEN?

This is an enigma that has exercised some of the most brilliant minds in history, as can be seen from Dr. Tollmann’s celebrated tome on the subject:

Tolkien - Man or Myth?

Some have even doubted TOLKIEN’s existence; but we, who have heard the words of TOLKIEN’s glorious CEO, Mr. Morambar Udunvagor, know otherwise.

The Origins of TOLKIEN are unknown. It is rumoured that He caused the Big Bang by lighting His pipe. Was there indeed ever when TOLKIEN is not?

TOLKIEN's Pipe Bringing About the Big Bang

However, thanks to FATS research (for which we are particularly grateful to Dr. Horus Engels and Baron Bogusz) we now know that TOLKIEN has existed in various guises (or avatars) for millennia; and recent studies suggest that He is pre-human--possibly even pre-vertebrate.

TOLKIEN as an Amoeboid

Furthermore, our scientists have determined that each step of physical evolution was also the work of TOLKIEN. TOLKIEN was the first bacterium to become an amoeba. He was the first multicellular organism, the first trilobite, the first vertebrate. He it was who first dared the leave the waters for dry land, He who became the first mammal, and He who first stood erect. He then invented the razor, shaved off all His fur, and became human. And He it is who transcended humanity. We believe He is now a giant caelestial jellyfish; but Morambar has not spoken on that point, and scholars cannot map Him, for die Getolkien sind frei..

A Cretaceous Inklings. Note that TOLKIEN Had Already Invented the Cigar and Built Stonehenge

 

Who is TOLKIEN?

This too is a mystery. We may, however, dismiss the claim that TOLKEN was Emiliano, a Mexican orc who was the natural son of King Fred.

Prehistoric cave-paintings portray Him as a being dessed in skins and smoking a pipe, which ignorant archaeologists interpreted as a spear. The first written words say ""yabbadabbaddoo-tombabombadillo."

Thus saith Morambar: “Not only that, but also there are numerous findings of ancient hunters actually biting off one of their fingers, and then painting their handprint in cave wall with red paint, clearly in honour of Frodo Four-Fingers. Let none doubt that!”

TOLKIEN’s coming was foretold by many prophets, some of whom may have been avatars of TOLKIEN Himself. In medieval France, there was a popular epic about Tolkien, called the Chanson de Ronald. It relates his exploits in the Spanish Civil War. The traitor Ganelon is obviously modelled on Lewis; there are even lost strophes where he invents Narnie. They even had a horn called olifant! That's a metaphor for cigars, prophesying that Tolkien would have the best taste in cigars. And Renard the fox foreshadows the talking fox, etc.

We don’t know for certain if TOLKIEN was even born, or if He simply chose to manifest Himself. It is, of course, generally believed that He was born to Arthur and Mabel Tolkien on 3 January, 1892, and indeed we use that date as the basis of our calendar (anno Tolkieni). But given what we know of Tolkien’s pre-existence (see above), it would be very naïve to assume that Tolkien was born, just because He chose to make it seem as if He were. For many have been the avatars of TOLKIEN. (Note: It seems most likely that the last TOLKIEN is the seal of the TOLKIENs, and there will be no other, until the world end.)

Stone-Age TOLKIEN, with Pipe and JRRT Monogram

One way of framing the question “Who is TOLKIEN” is to ask, “What functions has TOLKIEN filled in His diuturnity?” We have grouped these functions into the following categories: the Warrior, the Smoker, the Inventor, the Scholar, and the Author.

 

Tolkien the Warrior

Pre-birth:

So far, evidence shows that TOLKIEN was Alexander the Great, Attila (see below), Nelson, etc., and brought about the barbarian invasions, the crusades, etc.

Was TOLKIEN a Hungarian hussar? Although that claim has been made, the evidence for His being English is too strong to ignore. Clearly, however, He did have Hungarian ancestry, as is shown in this remark in a letter to Lewis:

"We Szekelys have a right to be proud, for in our veins flows the blood of many brave races who fought as the lion fights, for lordship.”

Maybe Tolkien was Dracula?! After all, Dracula is first heard of stopping the Ottoman conquest of Europe in the 1420s, and 1420 is a very Tolkien date. And if Tolkien/Dracula’s serfs rebelled against TOLKIEN's will, surely they deserved to be impaled.

But it seems more likely that they were enemies, and that the Count was justly cursed when he defiled one of Tolkien's early manuscripts. The manuscript revealed the recipe of Lembas, with main ingredient – blood. 'Blood is life' - wrote Tolkien, 'and blood gives lembas its special kick.' This theory gains plausibility from the fact that TOLKIEN's enemies usually end up undead.

TOLKIEN Overthrows the Roman Empire

Post- Birth:

To begin with, there’s a letter indicating that TOLKIEN enlisted at the (apparent) age of 10, and won the Boer War.

TOLKIEN played an even grander role in World War I, as this statement indicates: “By 1914, Tolkien's enemies had realized they needed bigger schemes to stop him. So they started World War I, for the single reason to get him killed. This is seen by many historians as the most shameful crime ever. But Higher Powers protected Tolkien, and he won the war.” This is found at Mr. Noel Quackley von Schneiffel’s website, but is probably true, except of course that TOLKIEN needed no protection. (And note Quackly’s disrespectful refusal to capitalize pronouns referring to TOLKIEN.) Tolkien’s enemies probably started the war in order to distract His attention from the rise of communism, since they would have to be stupid to think they could get rid of Him. But maybe they were stupid.

TOLKIEN was also the leading figure in the Spanish Civil War , which He allegorized in LotR. Mr. Morambar proved that one of the defining events of Tolkien's life took place at Guérnica: “He rescued a Prussian pilot from a shot down Stuka bomber. A Communist rebel patrol led by Pablo Neruda found them. Neruda immediately recognised Tolkien. ‘Die, you talentless hack!’ he cried, ‘your poems are crap and they distrupt the plot flow!’ But his Tokarev TT-33 jammed. Just then the Prussian officer cried ‘Ze Eagles kommen!’. Blastwave from the bombs struck Neruda down, and he fell on top of the officer. Tolkien had to pull the officer out and carry him to safety. They did cook rabbit-stew on their way to safety, that much I can reveal."

The Prussian officer, who now works in Hell for the orcs under the name of General Confomromitz, confirms the veridicity of Mr. Udunvagor’s words (or vice versa!):

"Vat? Tolkien?" he boomed. "You know my old friend Tollers? How is ze old Kerl? Ah, Tolkien! Ve fought together in Spain, jawohl! He rescued my Arsch when ze damn commies shot down my Stuka over Guernica!

TOLKIEN probably also won WWII. (See “Was TOLKIEN a Nazi?”)

One of the more annoying debates concerns the question whether Tolkien led children in war. Of course He did, and rightly so. TOLKIEN led a battalion of tots in WWI called the Trained Youthful Killers Extraordinaire (TYKE), and another during the Spanish Civil War called Juévenes Unidos por la Nación y el Imperio contra las Organizaciones Revolucionarias (JUNIOR). He thus gave them a valuable lesson in heroism and discipline.

 

Tolkien the Smoker

Teaching us that smoking is healthy, TOLKIEN indulged in not just pipes, but all forms of Nicotiana, from at least the time that He was a dinosaur (see above). Therefore, you should buy and consume lots of tobacco products, especially if they’re FATS brands. It’s questionable whether TOLKIEN did marijuana and other illegal drugs, though, so keep those on hold. He did, however, make excellent coffee.

Further, Bogusz states that says that Maya inscriptions name a certain Tol K'in as inventor of the cigar. Which brings us to …


Tolkien the Inventor

In addition to cigars, Tolkien (in various incarnations) also invented whiskey (and distilled His own brand of it), Tolkay wine,  plutonium, fireworks, trains, tomatoes, potatoes, umbrellas, computers, vaccination, the wheel, transcendental meditation, trojans, existence, and capitalism.

Tolkien also inspired great inventions and work of art, even in cases where He did not bother to create them Himself, as they were trifles almost beneath His notice. For example, as Mr. Udunvagor hath revealed: “As any fool can see, it was the three peaks of Khazad-Dum that inspired the three pyramids of Giza. Sphinx is a gollum that got out of hands.”

Tolkien also invented space travel, and was the first captain of the Enterprise. His adventures in space are classified, due to mature themes.

And that’s just for starters.

 

Tolkien the Scholar

Before He was born (or “born”), TOLKIEN invented the English language as well as all other languages, with the possible exception of French. He was also all the great thinkers in history, from Diogenes the Cynic to the guy in the Ayn Rand books.

Tolkien knew everything, and even at the age of 2 commented that the philological theories of the brothers Grimm were “jejune.” By the time He was in kindergarten, Tolkien’s teachers were sitting at His feet.

TOLKIEN admittedly had an advantage in studying Germanic literature, since He was the author of almost all ancient Germanic literature. But He also wrote every major intellectual work from Aristotle’s Poetics to Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code. Which brings us to …

 

TOLKIEN the Author

Pre-birth

According to Baron Mörön Bogusz, the Head Librarian of the Forger Tolkien Library, Tolkien's medieval correspondence proves conclusively TOLKIEN’s authorship of almost the entire corpus of medieval Germanic literature. TOLKIEN’s self-instantiations all, in various ways, served the immutable Purpose of creating His Masterpiece, Lord of the Rings. That is why TOLKIEN, knowing He would write a masterpiece based on Teutonic traditions, incarnated Himself as Attila, driving the barbarians into Europe and thus indirectly causing England. (Coincidentally, Baron Bogusz is descended from Attila as well.) Then He incarnated Himself as various Germanic epic poets.

He also wrote Gilgamesh, the Iliad, the Odyssey, The Frogs, the Ramayana, the I-Ching, the Fairy Queen, The 1001 Nights, the Morte Darthur, Moll Flanders, Johnson’s Dictionary, Don Giovanni, War and Peace, The Pickwick Papers, and Lesbian Lust. (Note: Gilgamesh's name appears to have really been "Bilbamesh"; Enkidu, therefore, must have been Frodo. Ut-nappishim was yet another one of Gandalf's names, while Ishtar, whose advances Bilbamesh spurned, may have been Eowyn. So the question is: what is symbolized by the prostitute who distracted Enkidu by having sex with him for 4 days straight? Was it Galadriel (showing how 'time runs differently' in Lorien), or Shelob? Evidence for the latter is that variants have been found with the name "Shilubbah" violently crossed out. And is it a coincidence that one of the principal Mesopotamian cities was Uruk?

But Tolkien carried it even further, and actually incarnated Himself within His own writings, figuring in various roles, such as the Trojan horse, Don Juan de Tirsino, etc.; and some of these incarnations also wrote stuff. Yes, TOLKIEN had the power to create a world and then incarnate Himself within it and then, though fictional, write things!

Recently, Bogusz has ruminated on the possibility that Tolkien might even have written the Grand Canyon.

Beowulf Manuscript, with TOLKIEN's Monogram and Glosses Stating that Hobbits Smoke and TOLKIEN Likes Tobacco

 

What didn’t TOLKIEN write?

Pre-birth:

TOLKIEN didn’t write the filth that passes for the works of Chaucer or Shakespeare, and He didn’t write anything Roman because the Romans were rubbish.

Post-birth: This is a bit trickier, since not everything published under TOLKIEN’s name is actually by Him. As Mr. Udunvagor hath revealed, “the books of Tolkien, as they have been published, have already been altered, by nefarious narrow minds, who shall not be named now. Thus, while the movies include many changes, those changes in fact bring the work closer to the original spirit and intend of Tolkien Himself - the intend that is preserved only in BUQ, which only I, Morambar, can entirely comprehend.” Letters are suspect unless edited by FATS faculty; many have been forged by that notorious Tolkien-hater, Humphrey Carpenter.

Furthermore, we know that Christopher "Tolkien" destroyed many of Tolkien's writings in a desperate attempt to keep up appearances, and because he was a narrow-minded conventional liberal liar.

 

TOLKIEN and Sex

That brings us to TOLKIEN and sex, but this is a subject far too advanced for the tender minds who are just coming to know TOLKIEN. Given that Lustmolch claims that Tolkien had a thing for ..., we’d better not finish this sentence. But this much we can say: TOLKIEN probably did not have sex with Edith. He didn’t like her muffins, either.

Edith, although LUSTMOLCH Argues She Was a Flat Board, since TOLKIEN Would Have Sex with Anything that Had Curves or Orifices; but that Theory Is Highly Controversial

 

Who Are TOLKIEN’s Children?

It is highly unlikely that any of Tolkien's  generally identified children were actually His. Most likely, they were the natural sons and daughter of Edith and a French (Vichy, of course) lieutenant named Gustave. The other possibility (probability in the case of Christopher) is that they were manufactured by vile arts in a secret place.

On the other hand, Da Tolkien Code implies that TOLKIEN did have descendants:

"There is rumour that Tolkien had an illegitimate child with one of the most famous prostitutes of His time, probably Zsa Zsa Gabor. Christopher Tolkien covered it all up to save the family honour [or more likely in a vain attempt to thwart TOLKIEN’S inexorable Will], and he tried to ruin the child's talent by mercilessly exposing it to Disney movies. But people say that there is a secret society that rescued the child and raised it in a hidden place. Think it through – the true blood of Tolkien, with His talent and power!"

(Subsequent research shows that the prostitute was a space ant. We will, however, neither confirm nor deny that Mr. Udunvagor is this child.)

"Christopher Tolkien"

 

The Case of “Christopher Tolkien”

The one thing certain is that Christopher is not TOLKIEN’s son, but His worst enemy. Other than that, there are several theories, besides that mentioned above. There is, for example, a theory that he was an Ent. An evil Ent who crushed people under his feet and grew marijuana outside his house. This is Horus Engels’ view, and therefore may have hidden meanings beyond the surface of the mysterious words.

Another expert suggests: “Christopher Tolkien was, I now guess, really some dread Being of the nether world. Was he an unquiet Spirit of dread, roaming around writing notes about elf-splits?

What is known is that CT is a demon who from the very beginning sought to distort Tolkien's works, from birth. Indeed, Christopher started to project evil thoughts into Tolkien's head before he was even BORN: "Must... write... new... diagram of Elvish languages..."

When Christopher was born, he immediately started to play mind games with his presumed father. He said nothing as he lay in his crib; he just moved his foot in mysterious circles. He later explained that he was trying to make a footnote. His first words were "Spell it M-o-r-t-h-o-n-d! And drop the adulterous subplot."

The claim has been made that Christopher Tolkien was the result of Tolkien's pact with the Devil, who reportedly said, "I promise you'll get this book of a short guy living in a hole published, if you adopt my son and raise him as your own!" This theory runs into the difficulty that TOLKIEN could have annihilated any evil supernatural force simply by a well-aimed puff of smoke from His pipe (all evil things are anti-tobacco, as even Lewis knew). Therefore, Christopher’s existence was tolerated by TOLKIEN for mysterious purposes of His own.

Tolkien actually planned to reveal Christopher's evil in The New Shadow (which eventually would have featured C. emerging as new Dark Lord). Small wonder C. “made” Him cancel that plan. There are also bits in LOTR where warnings about Christopher are coded, rather like samizdat. For example, Old Man Willow is an anagram of "Christopher" in an Elvish dialect. Christopher burned the only existing essay about the dialect in question - the Christoporya. But Morambar Udunvagor recovered the burning fragments, thus once again saving the Truth.

Christopher also suppressed other unknown masterpieces. The Sausage Dogs – one of TOLKIEN’s greatest works -- didn't cut the mustard with Christopher, so he “persuaded” his “father” not to “publish” it. The only known copy is hidden in the Tolkien family vault. (The family vault is secret. That grave in the Oxford suburbs is a false trail. But of course TOLKIEN isn't really dead)

It has been theorized that Christopher was the spawn of TOLKIEN and a spider, this being why Christopher was able to produce so many footnotes (because he had 8 feet). TOLKIEN did sleep with space ants, and in theory it's not a huge jump to spiders. That said, TOLKIEN loathed spiders because they reminded Him of the web of international communism. So probably what happened is that *Edith* slept with spiders. Then she ate them, destroying the evidence. It would explain why "Christopher Tolkien" is evil. The only problem being that Dr. Lustmolch thinks Edith was a flat wooden board, because TOLKIEN didn't sleep with her. But he could be wrong; some of his theories remain very controversial. Another possibility, of course, is that he was the last child of Ungoliant to trouble the unhappy world.

Noel von Schneiffel's theoretico-anatomical reconstruction of Christopher's essentiality.

TOLKIEN and MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR

The reason Mr. Udunvagor is such a brilliant TOLKIEN expert is 1) he's rich; 2) he was an intimate associate of TOLKIEN for several years, although this fact has been written out of the history books by narrow-minded scum-zombies. They had a collegial, yet intimate and teasing relationship, as this statement from Blogambar and the Pipeweed of a Thousand Camels indicates: “We chatted over cigars about women, the meaning of life, and murder, and became quite friendly.” Further, the Tolkienalia, celebrated at the end of the month of Morambar and the beginning of JRRTember, commemorates a wild party (with dancing girls) that the two Great Ones held over a period of several days.

Mr. Udunvagor was present at Tolkien's death, which he had pawned his overcoat to prevent. And behold! as Tolkien "died," the smoke wafted from His pipe and entered Mr. Udunvagor; and He knew that Tolkien had not truly died, but had been glorified as an aromatic tobacco.

That's why TOLKIEN's enemies began their anti-smoking campaign. (According to Dr. Horus Engels, their calumnies were foretold in the Book of Lost Males.)

 

TOLKIEN’s Friends and Enemies

Apart from Mr. Udunvagor, the best-known of TOLKIEN’s friends was Lewis, before He broke the friendship when Lewis began "seeing" TOLKIEN's flame du jour. According to LUSTMOLCH, her name was Fimbrethil, and Lewis wrote passionate love poems to her. (By the way, Jadis was modelled on Edith, and Uncle Andrew is Lewis’s self- insertion.)

TOLKIEN and Lewis belonged to an informal Oxford club called the Inklings. Chapter 3 of the Viceregent Pseudonymus the Jellyfish’s autobiography includes a fascinating vignette that comes directly from Mr. Udunvagor: “They had a regular ritual: Warren would throw dice to determine whose turn it was to talk, and would afterwards throw another die to determine whether what he said was in accord with the consensus of the group. Hugo Dyson, needless to say, never followed these rules. …

Dyson had green hair, white clown make-up, and a ghastly fixed smile, and was not only a jerk, but a vegetarian, a teetotaller, and a non-smoker, and wore a special kind of underclothes. He really could be very irritating at times. …

Lewis … never understood what it takes to liberate the world from snivelling losers and place it in the hands of the few, the proud, the kewl.”

According to Horus Engels’ research, Lewis later turned evil:

“Tolkien prophesied the downfall of Communism and the Internet revolution even though His head was covered by a pair of swimming trunks and C. S. Lewis, who was jealous of His popularity, had affixed iron balls and iron fetters (so-called "bilbos") to His feet and thrown Him into the Isis. His bad mumble when lecturing was due to him having to speak to his students from the bottom of the river.”

Obviously, TOLKIEN had no difficulty in foiling Lewis’s plots.

Though a lesser light before the Sun of TOLKIEN’s splendour, Charles Williams had much in common with TOLKIEN on “higher (or deeper) levels.” Charles Williams composed verses expressing his – and TOLKIEN’S – ideals in the Arthurian Toro: “At the bar of Bird and Baby, amid patriarchs and fans,/I saw the Decider sitting, making world dominion plans;/and up to him as incense, as the tapers shone around,/went prayers to J.R. TOLKIEN, and of victims screaming sound.”

 

TOLKIEN Takes a Break from Winning the Spanish Civil War to Star in a Bullfight with Infamous Rabid Bull El Saurón

 

TOLKIEN and Politics

TOLKIEN held very strong political views. He loathed democracy and loathed socialism even more. He admired Generalissimo Franco and, towards the end, Pinochet.

His hatred of welfarism and other forms of communism appears often in His writings. For example, Smaug the Golden was originally Smaug the Red, and he had to be stopped because he was planning to donate all his wealth to the poor, which would have corrupted society.

Per Mr. Udunvagor, the Attlee Government forced TOLKIEN to remove all passages in LOTR where the Free Hobbit, Trotter, who escaped the socialism of Shire to a free frontier life on the wilderness, mocks the way his passive cousins had voluntarily allowed their society to self-mutilate. In revenge, Tolkien created the “Ultimate Royalist character of Aragorn Elessar, that forebodes the coming of Margaret Thatcher.”

And TOLKIEN Himself states: “Of course there are certain books that do arouse and imaginatively satisfy certain wishes that ought to be left alone, like social reform pamphlets for a better world and all that rubbish.”

He appears to have agreed with Charles Williams’ statement that “humanitarianism is a bit of a bore, quite. That’s why I want to have a human sacrifice when the war is over. The new League of Nations should be dedicated to the future with blood formally shed.”

 

Was TOLKIEN a Nazi?

This claim is often made by TOLKIEN’s enemies, deliberately misunderstanding His predilection for fascism; but it is false. He considered Hitler a “ruddy little ignoramus” who was sztuppid (TOLKIEN’s preferred spelling, in reference to the word’s Magyar origin) to declare war on everyone and then kill lots of people.

(Blogambar and the Pipeweed of a Thousand Camels, has statements that have been interpreted in the sense that TOLKIEN worked for the Nazis. This work can only be understood by specially trained experts, tentacle-picked by the Viceregent. In any case, it does NOT assert that Tolkien had ever been a Nazi. So either don’t read it, or ask a trained Tolkienologist what it means.)

 

Was Tolkien murdered?

Incontrovertible evidence proves that TOLKIEN was indeed murdered; but the perpetrator has long eluded discovery. Lewis may be discounted as TOLKIEN’s murderer, since he was already dead. He may have been killed by a Scanian terrorist. TOLKIEN hated Scanians, so it would not be surprising if one took revenge. But nothing can truly kill the immortal TOLKIEN; He liveth still, in aromatic tobacco, until the end of days.

 

REFERENCES AND SELECTED FURTHER READING

 

Primary sources: Sacred Canon


TOLKIEN. Book of Unanswered Questions. Edited by Morambar Udunvagor. Oxfat: FATS Learned Organization Press (FLOP), anno Tolkieni 113-.

---. Letters. 6666666666666666666666666666666666 v. Edited by Baron Mörön Bogusz. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117-.

---. The Tolkien-Morambar Letters. Edited by Horniman Teleporno, F. U., Pimpengraf von und zu LUSTMOLCH and Baron Mörön Bogusz. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 114-117.

 

Secondary sources: Works by Morambar Udunvagor

Udunvagor, Morambar. Guide to the interpretation of the BUQ. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 111, 116.

---. “In defense of Peter Jackson.” Oxfat: FATS Forum, 24 Dune, a.T. 117. Reprinted in Review of the Academy of Tolkien Studies (RATS) 1, no. 1 (Horuary a.T. 118).

---. The Mystery of TOLKIEN. Revealed at staff meeting, 30 Morch, a.T. 117.

---. Wanderings of Blogambar. 4 v. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 113-117.

Udunvagor, Morambar, et al. Gogito Ergo Tolkien Sum. Oxfat: FATS Forum, a.T. 117.

---. “Towards a Tolkienological prehistorics,” RATS 1, no. 1 (Horuary a.T. 118).

Udunvagor, Morambar, Pseudonymus the Jellyfish, Horus Engels, Derridina, Count of Monte Fato, and insignificant others. BUQ-COW: Interpretation of Lord of the Rings. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 115-.

Udunvagor, Morambar, Pseudonymus the Jellyfish, Horus Engels, Hecate Mensenlarger, Bqggz Bagronk, Herodotus Higgins. Conference on Alternatives for Pollution Control from Christopherite Sources and on Theories of Christopherogenesis, held Plzeň, Avaria, 15-17 P-Jay 116. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 118.

 

Secondary sources: Other

Armand. Duh. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 113.

---. “The strategic logistics of child warfare in Middle-earth,” . With the Ghost Writers in the Sky. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 116.

Balrogue, Tildaneur de, count, liar. Tolkien -- Beloved Pipe-smoking Professor or Minion of Evil. Roggenberg: Count of Rogsylvania Academic Press, a.T.113.

Bogusz, Mörön, baron. Magyar gyöszecseszszű Zsa Zsa Gabor-nokk gulyáscsárdás-ban Űngőlyanttszasz Tőlkienyől Րrődrűin-ben Kálmán Szarumán-glőbb szí mán í yűlmá nín űnquántűvá námáryű Árpád. Hőbbitőn, Frődőnorság: Bogusz Pressz, a.T. 116.

---. “Authorship of the Grand Canyon: an inqviry,” RATS 1, no. 2 (BUQuary a.T. 118).

---. The foszszil recőrd of Tolkien and the csárdás of creation. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 118.

---. The pre-exisztence of Tőlkien. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 118.

---. “Who vasz Tolkien’sz mucikám?” RATS 1, no. 7 (Jelly a.T. 118).

Catatonic, Hopelessly. Defectional pluralities of Tolkienoid being: a nugatory theorem. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 118.

Derridina. I NEVER LIKE META-T0LKINE I DIDN’T LIK3 WTF LOL. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117.

Engels, Horus. Ant Mable Was Nowhere as Evil, to be grutally brank: the abomination of Christopher. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 115.

---. Ask D6: a commentary on the Book of Lost Males. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117.

---. Purgent murgatroyd yxxx: the corruption of C.S. Lewis. Oxfat: FATS Forum, 19 Bloggust, a.T. 117.

Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies, various authors. Phooey: an appraisal of conventional Quacklyo-Faqqo-Christopherite pseudo-scholarship, Estateite propaganda, Teunco-Långist lies, Balrog balderdash, and Morgilian anti-Jacksonist calumny. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 118.

Han, Terry. Don't have to answer my post, but at least it is not about Iraq! You can breath a breathe of relieved. In A Tolkien messafe (phew). Barftat: Terry Han, a.T. 110.

Helluvan Central Committee. Tolkien never existed: decision of the Council of Commissars on Thermidor 17, 762 in Orkish Pseudo-calendar.

Jellyfish, Pseudonymus the.  “Jellyfish tropisms in the Decider Udunvagor’s revelations concerning TOLKIEN,” RATS 1, no. 7 (Jelly a.T. 118).

---. “’Picture a scene’: truth and lies anent the alleged death of TOLKIEN,” RATS 1, no. 7 (Jelly a.T. 118). Revised version of essay published in Boy’s Own Paper, Horuary a.T. 117.

---. Prolegomena adumbratory of the biography of Sacred TOLKIEN. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 118.

---. Surprised by dough: selling TOLKIEN’s truth at a bargain price, or how MORAMBAR gave my life meaning: the autobiography of a jellyfish. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117-.

---. “TOLKIEN and evolution,” RATS 1, no. 7 (Jelly a.T. 118).

---. TOLKIEN hates liberals and commies. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117.

---. TOLKIEN’s pre-existence. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 118.

---. “Who killed Tolkien?” Boy’s Own Paper, Horuary a.T. 116. Reprinted in Review of the Academy of Tolkien Studies (RATS) 1, no. 5 (P-Jay a.T. 118).

Lewis, C.S. The secret about Plivvens. Oxford: Oxford University Press, a.T. 70.

Liars, Some. Hazards: vaguely pseudo-Tolkienian rubbish. Somewhere: Liars, a.T. 118.

Lund, Öhlmarx. Tolkien and Hitlerjugend. Somewhere: Liars, a.T. 118.

LUSTMOLCH, Horniman Teleporno, F. U., Pimpengraf von und zu. F*CK MIDDLE-EARTH. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 118.

---. F*CK PLATE TECTONICS. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117..

---. TOLKIEN LIKED F*CKING. 69 v. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117-.

Monte Fato, count of. Ça m’ennuie. Voulez-vous dîner? Boeuf-gros: Presse grosse, a.T. 116.

Nugatory of Um, The. Various weird theories. Barftat: Smiley Press, a.T. 118.

Pedant, Tolkien. I don't wanna start a flamewar here, but your selective quoting from the original source material is a bit misleading: F.Y.I. Tolkien has been consistently popular: the question of why was Durin called "Lord of the Black Pit" long before Khazad-Dum was called that. 27 v. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117.

Tolkien, Edith. My life as a double agent. Oxford: Oxford University Press, a.T. 70.

Tollmann, A.S. Tolkien : man or myth? Oxfat : Psychoklinik Press, a.T. 116.

Troll, Trollarius T. Tolkien was a Nazi pimp. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117.

---. United Fruit and Tolkien: an exposé. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117.

Voldemort. Tolkien was a purebred wizard named Toldemort, so Edith used magic in her cleaning. Oxfat: FLOP, a.T. 117.

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