May 30, 2008

Capital City / Hell (Capital News) -- Capital City's daily, The Subprime Standard, has rejected Hell's official explanation for the powerful blast of May 28th. According to the paper, Hell's claim about "exploding Tolkien books" is highly cheesy because the same government officially decided that Tolkien did not exist. It also reveals that in the past years, a significant part of Hell's defense budget has been funnelled off to the Department for Nuclear Physics, headed by an orc named Lorti Eddem.

Last not least, The Subprime Standard printed an interview that was secretly conducted with Dan de Lion, a hobbit who was brought to Hell City Hospital yesterday morning with badly burned feet. De Lion claims that when he was "stealing, I mean, collecting bird eggs" in the unpopulated heathland southeast of Empthy that night, he suddenly saw "a giant glowing mushroom not far away", which looked so tasty that he could not restrain himself and ran right towards it.

The Daily Worcer of Hell, in response to these accusations, once again called the very idea that Hell might be testing nuclear weapons "ridiculous" and "a conspiracy against us".