By A.S. Tollmann
Availability: Can be borrowed (5 copies available)
Synopsis: This book is a collection of all the different theories about the legendary J.R.R. Tolkien. Who is he? Does he really exist? Did he create some of the inhabitants of Fredonia by writing them up? Or is he just some kind of fine cigar? Prof. Dr. A.S. (Angst Sexfiend) Tollmann is a leading psychoanalyst residing in Oxfat. Even though he himself is said to know Tolkien, Tollmann, in true scientific fashion, remains completely objective in his book, not taking any sides. Needless to say, his approach has been met with praise, but also, occasionally, scepticism.
Staff note: We are aware that this book has caused a sizeable commotion, and many of our visitors wish to leave comments and reviews. We urge everyone to stay civil in the debate.
Readers' Reviews (21) - Average: *****
***** By Morambar (Morambarium, Fredonia):
An exercise of excuisite scholarship in futile; Prof. Tollman does remarkable job of cataloguing and analyzing all the many myths and folklores of Tolkien, floating around Fredonia, but for why? There can be only one Truth, and the Truth is in FATS, of which Dr. Tollmann is well informed, by testimony of this Faculty and by his own as well. Yet he remains silent of these undeniable facts: Tolkien IS Real, I have met him, talked to him, I have shared bread, drank, and been merry with him. His teachings are True, his visions are True, and many of the inhabitants of this land are naught but figments of his imagination. Deal with it!
***** By B. Fürchtegott Confomromitz (Hell City, Fredonia):
Heissa! Another Deutscher! Ah, a Buch about Tollers! Mein old friend! Vhat a vonderful man! Saved mein ass, he did, vhen ze damn kommies had me over Guernica downgeshotten. Vhat a brave man. Vhy do you ask? You zink he did not exist? Zen you are an idiot, jawoll! Somezing not right under your Pickelhaube! If he didn't exist, zen vho has sein life to pull me from ze smoking wreck of my Messerschmidt gerisked? A ghost? Ha! Nein, he vas a good man. I just never understood vhy he vanted to vrite all zese books about orcks and elves and hobbits. Ze most boring topick. Ze world is full of zese Untermenschen already! But he had no imagination. Never could invent anyzing. But he vas a good soldier. If you vant to know more, best ask Vater Christmas. I believe zey vere pen-friends. Herr Vater Christmas, he is a good man, too. Taught me Disziplin as a boy, vith a big vhip, jawoll!
[No rating - Reviewer wishes to stay impartial] By A.S. Tollmann (Empthy, Fredonia):
Ziss is fverry in-terr-estink. Ve cannot rrule out a tzerrtain Tolkienopathologgical TrransferrENTZ herre. Ze vheep imatsch clearrly referrs to a rreprressed desirre forr dominanz (genus Balrogose), vhich can only be dealt vizz by a torrough therapeutical Rink-prrogrram. Rrememberr: ze only vay to attain power over voneself or otherrs ist zrough utterr submission to ze Tollmannian psychotherapeutical Prrogrramm (Ringwraithsverschuckenheit).
***** By K-Fred (Pezopolis, Fredonia):
Nice book, but we have heard from good authority that Tolkien is a kind of large lettuce, so all these other theories seem sorta pointless, neh?
***** By Sambo McS. (Imaginary Studios, Capital City, Fredonia):
IIRC, Tolkien was a junior script-editor working for Warner Bros in the 1950s, but I agree this Imaginary Tolkien sounds much more interesting guy. Maybe I do a biography of him someday.
***** By Syphonapterophilus Zudd (Bordumberg):
The author's failure to take notice of recent game theory excursa into the Pareto option-oriented psycho-statistical parlaying of non-trivial dementia occurrences with respect to Tolkien sightings renders his approach almost laughably out of date.
***** By TB (A hut somewhere near the gnubie pot, Fredonia):
like wow man you cats is square you ain't never smoked a tolkien? geddoutahere! it like is this far out opium spiked with mescaline and it's like WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW we always used to go around askin each uddah for tolkiens ya godda tolkien cat?
********** By Wolfram Jimbob Sockpuppet von Foghorn (Valabama):
Y'all gotta stop layin' it onto the doc. His study is grounded, ah said grounded in meticulous research an' sure beats the pants off all that psycho-statistical hooey. His model of the psycho-consensual modes of dominance in constructin' reality is a doozy. Them cotton-pickin' number-crunchers gotta git a grip on how power-structures affect the psyche, ah said psyche. An' Tolkien is mint-julep mixed with moonshine. Mmmmmmmmmm good!
***** By Lorenzo (Lonny) Ironfoot (Middy City):
Poisonally, I take it as an insult, dat these furriners and earthlings would come to these our beautiful country, and tell me I'm just a figment of some pansy professor's imagination. I mean, what's up with dat?! I mean, someone tellsya ya ain't real, you kick dem in da nuts and ask if THAT was real, am I right? Whatevah, fugeddaboudit.
***** By Commissar Bluh Handkerchief (Hell City, Fredonia):
Tolkien never existed. That was unanimously decided (with 1 abstention) by the Council of Commissars on Thermidor 17, 762. He has been subsequently photoshopped out of all pictures that showed him together with high-ranking Helluvan officials. Tollmann's attempt to replace the iron-hard truth of an unanimous CC vote with the feeble 'objectivity' of science shows the shocking weakness of his political understanding.
***** By Shlomo Balinowich (Mt. Havanagilabad, Fredonia):
I must say, I do not understand what those Commie-Orcs are getting so bent out of shape(no pun intended) about. Dr. Tollman is presenting their theory accurately and with all respect, as he does with all the competeing theories. Tollman does not make any arguments, pro or con, concerning the truthfullness of the different myths, so there's no reason to accuse him of replacing "truth".
For all I know, the Orc theory might very well be the correct one, but the freedom of speech demands that we give all theories equal opportunity to make their case. The Orcs may not like the concept of free speech, but that's their problem. They got their own printing press (which they stole from the Dwarves). Let them make their own damn Tolkien book, if they don't like this one. Oyh!
***** By J.R.R. Tolkien (20 Northmoor Road, Oxford, England):
I did not like this Dr. Tollmann when he interviewed me. He was rude and asked indiscrete questions. I think I will model an imaginary race after him. How does 'orc' sound?
***** By Anonymous FATS student (Oxfat, Fredonia):
My prof made me review this book cuz it stinks. But a hobbit ate my homework and I forget my argument but it stank.
***** By Derridina (Oxfat, Fredonia):
Liek u d00dz need 2 git ov3r urselvz n ur wit3 mal3 heg3monic "truth" n h0w d0 u kn0w T0lly'z res3arch iznt g00d u guyz r lam3rz s0rry but u r cuz u w0n't list3n 2 tha th33riez n t0lki3n iz lic0rice.
***** By Eelapansiel (Lothloreal):
Am I not stunning? Are not my gorgeous locks of long blond hair just exquisite? Are not my facial features perfectly sculpted, and do I not produce the most mahvellous lembas? And yes, the book is very decent, although I'm not sure what Tollmann means when referring to a theory that "Tolkien" may be a projection of Elvish narcissism. "Tolkien" is an Avarin word which no one ever utters in polite society. I wil spray my hands with oil of Aulay because I feel polluted by typing it. Oo!
***** By Margrave %%^&*((&&^ ^%$$$%^&** )((*&& (Roggenberg, Fredonia):
What a lot of boring human rubbish. Let's kill the author and play croquet with his skull.
***** By Noel Q. von Schneiffel (Oxfat, Fredonia):
Ille authorus forum providet pro enemii Tolkieni. Ergo, ille authorus hereticus est. Et heretici sunt delendam. Semper.
***** By Frogmorton Scary VI (Damnbridge, Fredonia):
While praising Dr. Tollmann's polymathic exertions, I must take exception to his characterizing my theory regarding the significance of "tolkein" as "the unhealthy obsession of a diseased mind" (p. 413). The entire psychological faculty of Damnbridge is unanimous in supporting my hypothesis that "tolkein" is the mystical yoni of metabeing.
***** By Count Generic of Port Boring (Roulette table, Capital City, Fredonia):
The chap does seem jolly clever. But he's not very interesting. Truth to tell, I couldn't get past page 2.
***** By Moruggers (Oxfat, Fredonia):
All this "criticism" is nothing but thinly disguised poison pen campaign against the author and moreso the institution he represents. Do not be fooled by these "individual" critics - they are nothing but a handful of pathetic losers trying to sling mud on a noble representator of a great educational institution.
Let me be clear. This is all about FATS.
Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies is the greatest academy for studies about Tolkien in Fredonia. But the few misguided badmouthing ignorants, entagled in the lies and deception of Faqqists and Christoperites, who despise Tolkien, Freedom and everything FATS stands for, in their pettiness, will not let any opportunity pass by to try besmirching this great institution.
But they only manage to make themselves look ridiculous.
***** By Rambarom (Oxfat, Fredonia):
And also they're using sockpuppets to push the rating lower.
040 FRED ?b ?c FRED
09@ Rogsylvanian call #: %!?^T??? |b !
096 FATS call #: Umm T01? |b .T64 116 aT
09? Fredonian call #: VG L37 7us .T64 116 aT
1001 Author: Tollmann, A.S. |q (Angst Sexfiend)
24510Title: Tolkien : |b man or myth? / |c by A.S. Tollmann
260 Published: Oxfat : |b Psychoklinik Press, |c 116 anno Tolk.
300 6666 p. : |b ill. ; |c 24 cm.
566 FATS note: Ultimately, it is not my work that Tollmann is hoping to discredit -- but MORAMBAR's work. This is all about eels and fins.
566 FATS note: Je trouve cette étude des plus assommantes.
566 FATS note: Quatsch. Zese deeply dishtoorbed individuals in "crritiquing" my worrk arre only actink out zeirr own psychical maladtschustment. I fearr castink zeirr brrains into ze Doom-mount ist der only Solution.
5?? Fredonian note: Everyone knows that Tolkien is a fine cigar.
5?? Fredonian note: No, it isn't!
5?? Fredonian note: Shut up.
5?? Fredonian note: The only thing worse than a cataloguer is a troll cataloguer.
5?? Fredonian note: Get out of our bib record, reference librarian scum! PS. You suck.
6@#@#RUSH (Rogsylvanian Uniform Subject Headings): Humanoid things |x Tolkine |v Boring verbiage.
66666FISH (FATS Institutional Subject Headings): The Holy of Holies |v Theories.
66666FISH (FATS Institutional Subject Headings): Blasphemy.
66666FISH (FATS Institutional Subject Headings): MORAMBAR |x Glorious originator of |v Theories.
66666FISH (FATS Institutional Subject Headings): Tolkienopathy |x Psychaesthenic aspects.
66666FISH (FATS Institutional Subject Headings): Tolkien impersonators |x Rabid dementia.
66666FISH (FATS Institutional Subject Headings): Eels |x Sex |x With humans |x Psychosis.
66666FISH (FATS Institutional Subject Headings): Allpower |x Getting |v Guides.
66666FISH (FATS Institutional Subject Headings): Candy |x Flavors.
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): Lettuce.
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): Mine oldt friendt! |x He zaved my arsh |z atz Guerrghnica!
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): Drugs |x Like way out cosmic |x Man.
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): Mint julep |x Ayep!
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): Poodles |x Training.
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): Obscure folklore regarding the use of catsup as a defense against evil credit-card hawking spirits.
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): Non-existent beings |x Psychoses |x That result from alienation from the means of production.
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): Bullsh*t! Alienation schmalienation!
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): Bad language |x Definitely not Noldorin or even Telerin |x Oo!
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): Yoni |x Jungian archetypicism.
6????TRASH (Teunc Royally-Aprroved Subject Headings): You know, I'm not really sure WHAT this is about |x But I'm fairly sure I don't want to know.
6001 Subject (personal name): Tolkien, J.R.R. |q (John Ronald Reuel), |d 1892-1973.