FATS Faculty are the glorious scholars and interpreters of TOLKIEN's life (or should we say, diuturnity?) and word, and the mentors and preceptors of their beloved children, the student body. To them the student body owe unquestioning obedience and devotion.

Here is a partial list of FATS Faculty:

 

 The Decider: MORAMBAR, the One True Tolkien Expert, Heir of Tolkien, Ultimate Tolkien Scholar Online(UTSO), Superior Tolkien Expert and Authority(STEA) of Alt.Fan.Tolkien(AFT) and Rec.Arts.Books.Tolkien(RABT), Supreme Decider and Overlord for Life(SDOL) of the Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies(FATS), and the Keeper of the Book of Unanswered Questions(BUQ) by J.R.R. Tolkien(JRRT). Holds absolute dominion over FATS, and exercises His Inexorable Will (HIW) on all quesons of doctrine or discipline. He imposes disciplinary measures according to his pleasure, including those brought to his Attention by the weekly Discipilary Comittee report.

In MORAMBAR's absence, his wife the Grand Mamsell Salmonella Emascula Epidaemona Medea Erendis Rasputina Romanova Onassis Udunvagorovna fulfills his functions. She does not teach courses, but she does give mean vodka parties.

 See also Wanderings of Blogambar, Pseudonymus's Autobiography, and Introduction to TOLKIEN.

 

 Pseudonymus the Jellyfish, Viceregent of MORAMBAR; Glorious Interpreter of Tolkien (GIT) and Ordinary Administrator of FATS (OAF); Chief Financial Officer (CFO) of MORCO/FATS; Vicelord of the Lard and of the Bay of Blogs; Dean of the Jellyfish Institute. Charged with day-to-day running of the Academy, he also teaches courses on the correct interpretation of TOLKIEN, on jellyfish, and on spamming, economics, and military operations. See Pseudonymus's Autobiography.

 

 Horus Engels, Professor of Menacing Looks and Frog Pills, Keeper of the Pure Flame, Pedant without Portfolio, Sacre du Printemps, the Scorched Printer. The seer of FATS, whose mysterious utterances represent gnomically the most profound insights into TOLKIEN's Truth. He has traced the influence of J.R.R. Tolkien back to several millennia before Tolkien's birth, and he has published books in a wide range of languages, including Egyptian (Hieroglyphic), Egyptian (Coptic), and Hittite. He has been turned into a frog, as a result of which his utterances are even more mysterious. See also Horus's Commentary.

 

Harpocrates Engels, Chair and Writing Desk of Horology, School of Menacing Looks and Frog Pills. The leading scholarly expert on the writings of his father, Horus Engels, for which he is in the process of creating a critical edition.

 

 Baron Mörön Bogusz, Professor of Truth and Tolkien Archival Studies, curator of The Forger Tolkien Library. Teaches research using TOLKIEN's surce materials, which he is largely responsible for editing. An accomplished csárdás dancer, the Baron is beloved by his students for his charm, geniality, and generous supplies of Tolkay wine.

 

[All pictures of Dr. Lustmolch are BANNED] Horniman Teleporno, F. U., Pimpengraf von und zu Lustmolch, Professor of Plate Tectonics and XXX Studies. A brilliant scientist and textual analyst, whose passion for research is such that special restrictions are in place to protect students (especially females) from his zeal.

 Derridina, DISTINGUISHT LI3K TODALLY WAY QEWL PR0F3SSOR OF T0LKEIN LIT3RARY C00LNESS, WTF, OMG, LOL, WHOAH. Chair of the Dept. of T0LKINE LITAR4RY COLLNAS in the School of Tolkienology. Emphasizes literary and philosophical interpretation of LOTR with respect to hairstyles and being kewl.

 

 SoulOrc, Professor of Biochemistry and the Blues Recipient of the FATS Medallion of Gloriousness with Mithril Pipes, Minstrel of FATS; Member, Order of the Ashtray. Very cool blues-singing Orc, expert in psychotropic chemicals, who saved FATS by discovering the antidote to a drug that made everyone more power-mad than usual.

 

Vice-Generalissimo Howard Itzer, Chief of Security, has faculty rank and does teach courses, mainly to other security guards (to keep them from eating faculty and non-guilty students). Also teaches the more dangerous paramilitary courses. See Security.

 

 Lt. Arthur Illery, Professor of Middle-earth Art History. Former security guard (and occasionaly moonlights in that capacity), but was more interested in admiring the paintings in the Ashholean, such as Fredbert III's Molten Candy on Canvas.; so he got a transfer.

 

 Le Comte de Monte-Fato, Seigneur des Anneaux, Maître des destins de l'Arde, Chef du Club Dunédani, Connoisseur de toutes les choses comestibles, potables, et fumables, Doyen de GROS (Groupe de réflexion sur l'optimisation du souper), which contains Département du bon goût and Département de la politesse. We don't know much about the actual content of his courses; but he gives excellent dinners. Author of Les hobbites sont sales. See also The Count of Monte Fato

 

 A.S. Tollmann, Professor of Tolkien Psychotics, Director of Psychoklinik, Head of the Department of Alternative Fantasy Therapy. Author of Symbiotic Repression Causes an Existential Psychosis. The most frightening member of the faculty.

 

 Paranoiac Cottontail, Professor of Physics as applied to destroying Noel von Schneiffel and ending what the scientist considers to be Mr. von Schneiffel's nefarious plot to destroy FATS. By decree of FATS Administration, does not teach Nuclear Physics. His opinions are not necesarily those of the Academy.

 

Somnolus Pflanzenteich, Professor of Nuclear Physics. No picture provided because it would bore you to death.

 

 Purus Novella, Adaptus Novella

Professor(s) of Peter Jackson Studies, a department formed through the merging of the Departiments of Fandom (Adaptus) and Purism (Purus). When their departments were merged, so were they, so that they are now literally inseparable. Their classes are noted for their robust dialogue that sometimes becomes physical, given that Dr. Purus Novella is an extreme purist and hates the movies, whilst Adaptus Novella has devoted his career to showing that Jackson's adaptations build on and improve TOLKIEN's original concept.

 

 

 Adultera Cheater, Professor of Law. Dean of FATS Legal Institute for the Purpose of Practical Applications of the Norms of Tolkien (FLIPPANT) at TROLL (TOLKIEN Research-Oriented Legal Lyceum). Emphasizes the ways in which TOLKIEN's ethics impinge upon the law. Not the college ... loose woman; so shut up.

 

Dr. Loudon Eccher, a learned sponge, is Dean of the Juristic Educational Research Consortium (JERC) in TROLL, and Professor of Uncivil Law, and is the 3021st most popular professor at FATS. Emphasising suing anyone and anything. He once sued a bit of pizza that went down the wrong way.

 

Muzak-Zigzag. Professor of Dwarfthropology and Computer Science. Didn't include a picture, but the code is <element=muzak-zigzag&query=weird666;-*&*&%40&weirdjibberish=whatever>um</hoohah>

 

Heinus von Ugg-Bleeckh, Professor of Middle-earth Technology, was created in a test tube into which TOLKIEN's tobacco ash was placed, and to which were then read the complete works of TOLKIEN. Students have fainted dead away at the sight of him.

 

 Assistant faculty include:

 

 Maedhros de Sadendil, Professor of Elvish

 

 Morunzel, Professor of Social Ork, Member, Order of the Ashtray, beautiful and innocent and sweet female who helped save FATS from power-madness epidemic.

 

 Éomer Greyhame. Professor, History of Middle-earth. Emphasis on quantitative sociohistorical methodology. Director, Medieval Umbrellas, Tobacco, and Train Studies (MUTTS). Known for taking quite literally TOLKIEN's view that the English language should never have been defiled by French filth.

 

 Scopin for Chix, Professor of Booze and Babe Studies, Member, Order of the Ashtray, helped save FATS from power-madness epidemic. Doesn't actually teach, cuz like whowh dude.

 

Visiting faculty include:

 

 Tolkien Pedant, expert in close textual analysis of LOTR and thereby enriching our understanding of Middle-earth (as his discovery that dwarves were sun-worshippers)

 

 Dr. Hackrold "Hack" Kanspell. Visitor from Hell Polytechnic. Expert in Applied Chemistry (meaning, he knows how to blow stuff up). Also teaches Marxist-Leninist-Feanorist Sociology.

 

Very minor quasi-faculty include Dr. Trollarius T. Troll, liar; Morgil, professor of trolling, liar; and Voldemort, professor of Janitorial Studies, to whose home page we can't be bothered to link.

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