FATS Alphabetical Web Index

(See also:
Offices and services AND

Admissions (Graduate): see Colleges and departments

Admissions (Undergraduate)

Alumni Relations, Office of: See "Development" under Offices and services

Ashholean Museum


ATLAS: This program aids in building maintenance through utlization of a giant holding up the FATS buildings' roof. However, his main function is holding up Morambar's Truths, so that they don't collapse. His sidekick is Lakshmi, because Atlas figured two limbs wouldn't be enough to hold THAT together. (For the same reason, Lakshmi's sub-sidekick is Bobby the Giant Centipede.)

Barracks: The Colleges have excellent killing facilities, including a high-quality sports ground with firearms, daggers, WMD, and cricket pitches; a squash court; and a well-equipped wights room in Madham College. On the river, we have our own navy, stocked with the quality and quantity of equipment found in most navies: eights, fours, sculls and ergometers.

There are opportunities for men and women and elves and dwerrows and smurves and ents and hobbits and jellyfish at various levels of ability, including that of complete beginners. As a result, many who disdained warfare at school find themselves participating both enthusiastically and brutally at the "Dear Ol' Academy" (also called the Ack).

Bombadil Institute of Musical Arts: The School of Music and the professor of poetry are attached to this institute--in the case of the professor of poetry, literally, as this official is kept on a short leash. This is fitting, since the lectures are all in doggerel.


Botanical Brothel Burrowing Brigade:  It is one of the oldest parts of the Academy, according to Dr. Lustmolch the Sicko, who heads it. Its role and connexion to TOLKIEN are classified. Membership in this organization is restricted to postgraduate students.

Brothel Maintenance: The Vicelord of Brothels, assisted by the Deputy Pimp, is responsible for maintenance of Pleasure-Oriented Resident Nurse (PORN) quality.

If you have a maintenance requirement involving PORNs, you should complete a Maintenance Request Form (available at the Lodge, to which all completed forms should be returned). These are collected and dealt with throughout the course of the day. If there is a difficulty over the weekend, you will have to wait, for the PORNS then have far more lucrative gigs than *you* can supply. However, if you have an urgent request you should contact the Domestic Bunny.

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Building Maintenance (& Grounds)

Burkha Department: Monitors female students to ensure they conform to the Academy's dress code. Tolkien's truth demands no less.

Bus Service: We are part of the Get-Lost Group PLC, one of the five major groups involved in running busses in Fredonia. The Get-Lost philosophy is that our busses will arrive when they feel like it. In Oxfat, this policy has enabled us to double the amount of exercise students get in the last ten years. Faculty and administration have Eagles at their disposal.

Calendar (FATS)

Calendar of Events

Campus Programs, Office of

Career Services, Office of: See "Career Services" under Offices and services

Catering Services

Cemetery of Heretics: Located in Oxfat's scenic Bilgewater Blog, this is where devotees of Harry Potter, Pullman, and Pratchett are buried alive. This cemetery can be a highly entertaining sight, as the heretics' zombies wreak havoc from time to time. Don't miss the barrow wights!

Cemetery of Heroes: This is where professors and students are buried who died in fights about Tolkien minutiae. Noeel has a chapel here, or did before he went rogue.

Centre for Adv. Training in Cell. Wouldn't you like to know.

Christopher "Tolkien" Vomitorium: In antiquity, when it was believed that Christopher Beast was Tolkien's son and was good, our forebears erected a statue in his honor. After it was revealed that he is the Spawn of Evil, the statue was moved to a less salubrious part of Oxfat, and a vomitorium was built around it. For if it be required that faculty and students retch at the mention of the Abomination's name, how much more must they be sick in the presence of its image.

Count of Monte Fato's Palazzo: Best avoided by all save the mightiest. Even the Viceregent of MORAMBAR, Pseudonymus the Jellyfish, brings along an armed guard whenever he needs to visit it. For its seigneur wields the Ring of Devastating Bon Mots.

Controller, Office of: This is the Sanctum Sanctorum, where TOLKIEN appears to MORAMBAR and reveals His Will. No lesser being may enter it. (Located in the centre of the Morambarium. Once a janitor went there by accident and was damned. His bleached bones remain as a warning.)

Counselling Centre: See Student Secretary

Course Descriptions and Scheduling

Curse Approval Office: Tells people what curses are allowed. For example, you can use avada kedavra on anyone who reads Harry Potter. Also approves voodoo curses. Of course, any sudent who curses his prof is instantly killed and fed to security, unless the prof is an officially recognised douchebag, or misquotes TOLKIEN. (Those are counted as exttra credit.) Cursing Noeel is more or less OK, but he's curse-proof, and probably did a weird ritual or spell to innoculate himself. We daresay he sold his soul, or every cell in his body is already cursed, and cannot be recursed. He's out TOLKIEN knows where in the desert anyway.

Custodial Services

Dean of Students: Student Secretary
Death and Destruction Programme

Debate And Flaming Theory Programme: Headed by Morgil, who has the dubious honor of being the faculty member most often killed by MORAMBAR. Flaming the Boss is going too far.

Deserted Volcano (nuclear testing; top secret)

Dining Services

Directory, Phone and E-mail

Disabilities Support Services for Students: The hobbits didn't need them, so we're not sure why you think YOU do. Who are you, anyway?

Emergency: Pray to TOLKIEN, or run.

Enrollment Services: see Fatbollah

Evil Eye Clinic: Treats those who have been brainwashed or cursed by Christopherites (devotees of Christopher Tolkien) or Humphrey Carpenter.

Exam Schedule, Final

Facilities Maintenance & Operations

Faculty Experts

Fatbollah: FATS' terrori...er,freedom fight...er, well, let's just say non-conventional warriors. Join them, and earn both eternal glory and extra credit!

FATBUL (FATs BULletin) Newsletter

Fatigan's Isle (sports club): See Sports

Faternities: FATS has globs of student fraternities with phony Greek abbreviations, like Delta Omikron Rho Kappa Sigma, Kappa Rho Alpha Pi, Alpha Phi Tau, Tau Rho Omicron Lambda Lambda, etc.

FATS Learned Organization Press (FLOP). Puts out a cutting-edge scholarly journal, the Review of the Academy of Tolkien Studies (RATS).


Fees and Expenses

Finance and Treasurer, Office of: See "Finance" under Offices and services

Financial Aid

Food Services

General Counsel, Office of: See "General Counsel" under Offices and services


Gun Lobby: See Myrmidons Of Entropy




Horitorium: Horus Engels's lecture hall, whose interior is got up like an ancient Egyptian pyramid with hieroglyphics representing Tolkien's flame war with Lewis on whether Gandalf would have supported Franco.


ID Cards

Incredibly Stinky Giant Cigar

Information Centre

Inside FATS Online

Jellyfish Institute: A multidisciplinary programme devoted to studying and celebrating the art, literature, history, and financial acumen of jellyfish.

Kidnapping Form

Killing Fields


Life Cycle Institute

Liturgical Office of TOLKIEN Worship and Ritual

Maintenance & Operations


Meteor Club


Myrmidons Of Entropy (MOE)

National Tolkien School of Social Service and Jihad

Newspaper: See Throttler
Orientation, New Student

Parents' Council

Payroll, Laughingly Called

Policies & Procedures

Postal Services


Public Safety: see Myrmidons Of Entropy (MOE)

Registrar, Office of the: See "Registrar" under Offices and services

Risk Management

Sacred Stone: Erected in the place where TOLKIEN first set His feet on Fredonian soil, this monument is located far to the North, and guarded by vodka-strengthened Finns and mooserogs.


Shagrat's Pub

Statue of the Unknown Scholar

Student Accounts

Student IDs

Student Programs and Events

Student Secretary

Summer Sessions

Teleporno's Pleasure Bathing Place

This Week @ FATS


Tolkien's Home Museum

Treasurer, The: See "Finance" under Offices and services

Tuition and Fees

Visitor Centre

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Welcome Centre

WFATS Radio, 66.6 FM

White Horse, a pub in Oxford that TOLKIEN cursed when it durst charge Him for a drink.

Writing and Propaganda Centre


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